It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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