if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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