I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize