Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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