I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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