I think my vagina is haunted
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
