Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
