It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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