Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
