when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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