just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
