her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I love you.
Bad choice
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
