everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize