I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
