...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
