Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
