Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
