I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
