just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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