I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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