Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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