Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
