Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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