my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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