Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
