Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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