Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
