Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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