I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
