Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
