my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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