I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you mean i was at the winter classic?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
