I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Green mimosas i think yes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
