After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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