i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
