Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
