you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
