my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
