There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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