oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
