im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
