Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
He uses pillows to masturbate.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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