I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
