I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
