so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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