Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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