I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
