The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize