I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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