Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
