remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
