You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
