Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
