Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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